WHAT EVEN IS LOVE?!

 ABILITY TO COMMUNICATE AND RECEIVE LOVE

PART ONE

Love is a concept that I have so long struggled to grasp. 

It made me feel uncomfortable and out of edge, yet it was something I worked so hard to understand and gain.

Saying “I love you to someone” felt like I had to break all my bones. A bit exaggerated but truly how my inner being felt.

I struggled with friendships because most of the friendships I made in primary school always had a motive. It was almost as if people were on a mission to hurt me or humble me. They thrived when my reputation was in the gutters. When I cried. Anytime I felt good about myself they would make it known that I am “feeling myself” in a negative light. Whenever I performed well in my examinations, they made sure to humble me. 

I remember crying uncontrollably at home. To a point I felt like I could not breathe. My mother knew something was wrong and I just did not know how to explain it but what for what I could she responded with, “that’s not something to cry about.” At this point in my life, I understand her perspective but at the time I felt emotionally neglected and dismissed by everyone. People who were supposed to fight for me didn’t. So, I came to the realization that no one will come to save you.

Slowly and steadily, I became numb to it all. My heart turned colder and colder until it was set in stone. Slowly and steadily, I became a hermit. Indifferent to emotions expect anger. I raged on everything and everyone. I knew everyone will disappoint you.

I went to high school knowing I was not looking for friendship but success. I wanted to be disgustingly knowledgeable and at the top. I was ready to be hated and in competition with whoever wanted that number one spot as well.

 Then I met her. Girl number 1. A girl who wanted that number one spot and success as much as I did. I knew she was my rival, and I had to take her down by all means, however she did not share the same mindset. She saw my drive and supported it. She woke up at 4am to read and make short notes and she would some share them with me. Whenever I did not understand a concept, she would sit with me and explain it in different ways to make sure I got it. I thought how could she be so dumb? Helping out a rival? It so happened that for the first test we had, I performed better than she did. I thought, surely, you’ll hate me now. Nope! She was elated and inspired by me. I was so confused. I developed a soft spot for her and allowed her into my space, but I kept her at a distance because I was not sure when the next shoe will drop. Needless to say she became one of my best mates and ended up being the best in our class.

Girl number 2 loved people. She was always laughing and making jokes with people who clearly were out to get her. I thought surely, she is just naive. We got a chance to speak, and I realized that she knew. She knew these people were purposefully doing things against her. However, she had no bitterness in her. She was not being fake. She genuinely was a sweat heart. I tried to get her to be cold towards them because I felt like I was seeing my primary school self through her, but she didn’t budge. She just started hanging out with people who valued her but was still so kind and generous towards those hurting her. I was so confused.

Girl number 3 was one of the popular kids. If I knew anything about popular kids, is that we did not go together. She was everything: the girl with good grades, sporty, a dancer, a singer and a prefect. We were in the same dormitory, and she slept across me. I thought surely, she would not want to be friends with a person like me and left it at that. We had double decker beds, and both our decker mates were clearing school and the next year we would have to have new decker mates. I could not sleep on the lower decker because I feared the upper bed would fall on me during the night. She also slept on the top decker so even if she were to move, it would be to a top one. My current decker asked her who she would have as a decker mate for the following year, and she said she would have me. I was so confused and told her that I was not sure because I would not sleep on the lower decker and without hesitation, she said she would. She was ready to inconvenience herself for me. We began having conversations and I realized she had a heart for God. She wanted to live a life in honour of God. She would serve at her home church and read the bible. She saw me crying and she encouraged me instead of whispering it to others. Wow! I admired her.

Girl number 4 is a girl I never in a million years thought we would be friends. In my school you had to sit in your assigned sits, and we were put to sit together. During this time, I was struggling mentally and obviously I would not share it with anyone. However, it was quite hard to hide a broken heart. It was around the time I had an encounter with Christ and the Christian Union in our school had a half day fasting and prayer. I decided to join it. Girl number 4 being my desk mate or sit mate (whatever you call it) was so concerned and was not sure if I would make it. For sure I barely did. For context, we were in a public Kenyan high school. You’re in class by 5am and breakfast, which was one loaf of bread and tea, was at 6:45am. It keeps you until tea break which was around 10:30am. The last meal I had was at around 7pm. The fast was an AM fast so it would go until noon. On this day I went to prayer for the tea break because there was too much eating in my class, and I could hear my stomach rumbling. To make matters worse we had a double lesson right after and in my spirit, I knew I would not make it until lunch. I did not have time to grab any sort of snack either from the canteen. 11am bell rung and I went back to class looking like a shell of myself dreading the next 2 hours. Whilst in the lesson, the 12 pm bell rung and my stomach growled only for girl number 4 to pull out a cup with concoction from her desk and gave it to me. I loved concoction, and she was one of the best in making it. I could not believe my eyes. She said, you can eat now. My heart was literally about to bust out of its rib cage. She knew when my fast ended and she made me concoction during her tea break. I never understood why she would do that I only know the impact it had on me. I felt like she had breathed life into me. She also got to have access to warm water. For context, our school was in the hills (Mt. Kenya) and it was so cold half the time. However, there was no access to hot water unless you had a severe condition, then you may go to the kitchen with a card to access the hot water. Girl number 4 got access and came to me and said, “we have access to hot water.” I did not understand why she was telling me this until it was time to get the hot water, and she came to ask me for my bucket. I was so confused. She took my bucket and poured half of her hot water into it. I was speechless. She later made it that girl number 2 and 3 who also got hot water access would share with me whenever the hot water was inadequate. My heart was so moved. 

These girls and many others were the first to show me how to be a friend and the concept of love. I FELT LOVED.

What do you mean you just love me for no reason. I did not understand it and it’s just recently that I am starting to grasp it.

This also made my walk with God a bit murky because what do you mean you just love me? 

At this point what is love anyway?

When I began getting my life right with God, I began having so much peace in my heart. However, I realized when things went too well, I could not pray. I was literally avoiding God. I felt overwhelmed by his love and grace. He shone too brightly in my eyes. I felt like He did not know who I truly am otherwise he would not favour me like he did. 

When you begin to study your Bible you realize there is nothing you can possibly do to deserve God’s favour. This caught my attention:

“When Jesus had raised Himself up and saw no one but the woman, He said to her, “Woman, where are those accusers of yours? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, Lord.” And Jesus said to her, “Neither do I condemn you; go and sin no more.””

John 8:10-11 NKJV

The one who was worthy to throw the stone didn’t.

HE GIVES YOU A NEW HEART:

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; I will take the heart of stone out of your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.”

Ezekiel 36:26 NKJV

HE SAYS HE LOVES YOU:

“Since you were precious in My sight, You have been honored, And I have loved you; Therefore I will give men for you, And people for your life. Fear not, for I am with you; I will bring your descendants from the east, And gather you from the west;”

Isaiah 43:4-5 NKJV

HE GIVES YOU A NEW IDENTITY:

“having predestined us to adoption as sons by Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the good pleasure of His will, to the praise of the glory of His grace, by which He made us accepted in the Beloved.”

Ephesians 1:5-6 NKJV

HE COVERS YOUR NAKEDNESS:

“I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.”

Isaiah 61:10

HE MAKES YOU ROYALTY AND CALLS YOU HIS OWN:

“But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light; who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy.”

I Peter 2:9-10 NKJV

HE ADORNS YOU WITH BEAUTY:

““And when I passed by you and saw you struggling in your own blood, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you thrive like a plant in the field; and you grew, matured, and became very beautiful. Your breasts were formed, your hair grew, but you were naked and bare. “When I passed by you again and looked upon you, indeed your time was the time of love; so I spread My wing over you and covered your nakedness. Yes, I swore an oath to you and entered into a covenant with you, and you became Mine,” says the Lord God. “Then I washed you in water; yes, I thoroughly washed off your blood, and I anointed you with oil. I clothed you in embroidered cloth and gave you sandals of badger skin; I clothed you with fine linen and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your wrists, and a chain on your neck. And I put a jewel in your nose, earrings in your ears, and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen, silk, and embroidered cloth. You ate pastry of fine flour, honey, and oil. You were exceedingly beautiful, and succeeded to royalty. Your fame went out among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through My splendor which I had bestowed on you,” says the Lord God.”

Ezekiel 16:6-14 NKJV

HE DIED FOR YOU:

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭5‬:‭8‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Finally, I begin to understand what unconditional love means. I cannot increase or decrease to his glory yet he still loves me.

Love is more than just a feeling. It’s an action. God moves in love. He becomes the embodiment of love because all he does is out of love. Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. God speaks love. His heart is full of it.

When the Bible describes love in 2nd Corinthians 13:1-13- it expresses what love does and how doing anything without love is futile. The Bible says that Love should be a priority, the greatest commandment, hence should we not try understanding it better? Think about it, when you love someone, what exactly would you do against them? Hence wouldn’t the 10 commandments be easily fulfilled just by being a being of love? 

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us.”

I John 4:18-19 NKJV

Love in a Christian sense does not mean an emotion. It is a state not of the feelings but of the will which we have naturally about ourselves and must learn to have about other people.  Our love for ourselves does not necessarily mean we like ourselves but that we wish our own good-CS LEWIS.

Having the love of God in your life and heart makes you look at people and situations in an incredibly different light. 

I am beginning to understand why those girls showed me kindness. It sprung from love. As the recipient of this love, my heart was made softer regardless of my perspective. Love changes people. 

However, if you don’t have that in your life, taste and see that the Lord is good. Show it to others. It leaves an imprint in their lives.