THE ART OF DISSOCIATION

 A SPECIAL SKILL~DISSOCIATION

“Change is nature’s delight.” I remember reading this quote while I was much younger and wondered why people struggle with change, I LOVED CHANGE! Change is the only constant in life, they say, and it gives you a story to talk about!

However, I did not realise that to me change was my drug. That was my high. I needed things to change constantly! I did not care what direction that meant, whether good or bad. I just needed some sort of high. 

Now the high school I attended was my drug dealer and I was always high. Nothing was constant in that school. All change always leaned towards a negative direction. As you know humans are creatures of adaptation and we quickly knew how to survive. This was our peak teenage years so everyone there was insane, myself included.

I was addicted to change to a point where if there was no change I got sick. LITERALLY!!It became second to my chaos addiction.

I recall in 2021 when we went back to school after covid nothing was happening. There was nothing new. We went three months with the same old thing - reading. Needless to say, this was mostly because most things were cancelled (sports, projects, fairs, functions etc.) due to the virus. For the first time in my school, there was no drama or chaos to feed off either. I said to my friend, “I’m going home.” For those who do not know the 844 system, going home is always out of the question (I was in boarding school). If you got sick they take you to the nurse and if it was severe they took you to a nearby hospital and then you’re back in school. Half the students at this point were sickly so there was no way I was going to make it through the line to the hospital and convince the doctors that I was sick enough to go home. Calling my parents was also out of the question because it was forbidden and I knew my parents wouldn’t let me go home just for nothing. Your girl came up with a brilliant plan to fake the severity of her sickness and go straight to admin. I knew I had mild covid, but at that point who did not? Everything was quite boring anyways so I needed to stir things up. It became much bigger than I thought it would since our school ended up on national television and some of my schoolmates accused me of spreading covid. Honestly it was hilarious and such a high!

It always had to be one thing after another and if it would not happen naturally then I would make sure something happened. My parents always joked with me saying I was a guest at their house. Ever since I went to boarding school (11years) I haven’t stayed with them longer than six months except during covid. It was a joke but mama, I don’t think it is a joke anymore. 

I developed a useful skill back then and I like to refer to it as the art of dissociation. I knew when and where to disconnect myself from the world around me. I did this so often I began disconnecting from myself and my emotions. When you are too good at your art, it becomes second nature.

It was quite easy for me to be in new places, new (bad and good) situations/environments and be around new people, regardless of who they are which was great. However, settling becomes the issue. It was either you cannot be too familiar with something, or you need something that makes you feel a bit more connected. An extreme high or an extreme low! Nothing in between.

This makes you closed off to anything remotely stable, knowingly or unknowingly. 

You developed a caution that none of this is here to stay so you simply should not get attached to it. You can speak to hundred’s of people and they open up to you but you are dissociated. You can have the best time of your life and be dissociated. It was a defense mechanism created during a time where most things were going wrong and when people could not be trusted but what happens when things are going well and you have people looking out for you? The same way you dissociated from things going wrong so you don’t have to process it, is the same way you dissociate when things are going well! As you are avoiding pain you are simultaneously avoiding joy/happiness. Any strong emotions that I had because they were always so negative I simply dissociated so the situation doesn’t affect me. In the same way any strong positive emotions that are brought about by a good situation are simply overlooked because I simply don’t know how to process them. Let alone acknowledge them because mentally I am not there.

This month I went to a conference in Sydney, it was one of the best experiences in my life. But the days after have been so hard for me to comprehend. I did not understand the emotions I was having. Then I hit two years in Australia and again nostalgia. I don’t know what it is about this month but it was seriously testing my emotional capacity. This was when I realised I have had some really great experiences and really nasty ones as well, but up until I tell someone about it and then get a reaction, is when I realise , “oh so that was a good thing” or “oh so that was actually a bad thing”. I processed things more logically, with the probability of most likely to be bad or good.

I began realising something else. I sort of always knew this but never in this light of dissociation. Anyone who evokes a strong emotion from me I had to be away from. The famous word is , “cut off” which I do not like. If you showed me too much kindness you were out the door in my books. If you showed any negativity you were also out the door. You could not be around me if you evoked strong emotions in me because then you create a war in me. I simply dissociate from the people. I was not outwardly dramatic with this, I just quite literally disappeared. As my therapist friend “Kanyoro” (honourable mention to my lawyer bestie) I was being a “dismissive avoidant”. Like I said, I always sort of knew this however I did not know it was going to be an issue when I want to actually build lasting relationships, live a peaceful life without chaos and actually live out my dreams and be present in them.

Anyways this is the part where healing comes into play. 

You can’t want happiness/joy if you avoid pain. 

THEY ARE TWO SIDES OF THE SAME COIN! 

The real embrace to change is appreciating both. The ups and downs that change comes with and most importantly feeling every single bit of it. Being present in every single moment of your life. From the chaotic Monday mornings to the boring Tuesday evenings and the most precious Sunday afternoons. You got to be there. See! Feel! Listen! Let all your senses dive into it. You are placed on this earth to live not just survive. You take up space, look around you. There are people who perceive you, think about you. Love you! There are people you inspire. LIVE!

And the best part of this plan is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You don’t have to be afraid. You don’t have to have your heart of stone. 

One of my favourite verses:

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.””

‭‭John‬ ‭16‬:‭33‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

It’s not a secret that things could go horribly wrong, but you will not experience an incredibly good time if you’re always guarding against the worst.  That is living in fear. What a bondage that is. Faith is believing that all things are working out for your good.

“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭8‬:‭28‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

God has given you life for you to experience it in its fullness:

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

‭‭John‬ ‭10‬:‭10‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

Some fights and wars you’re taking up, some future worries are not for you to fight. Let God do a good work in you and for you. Let him heal you. Protect you.

“The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace.””

‭‭Exodus‬ ‭14‬:‭14‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

You lack nothing:

“The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭23‬:‭1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

He heals you:

“I have seen their ways, but I will heal them; I will guide them and restore comfort to Israel’s mourners, creating praise on their lips. Peace, peace, to those far and near,” says the Lord. “And I will heal them.””

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭57‬:‭18‬-‭19‬ ‭NIV‬‬

Fighting the “flight mode” is not easy and has to be an active decision.

Let go and let God.