“I SAT WITH MY ANGER LONG ENOUGH UNTIL SHE TOLD ME HER REAL NAME WAS GRIEF” ~CS Lewis

 “I SAT WITH MY ANGER LONG ENOUGH UNTIL SHE TOLD ME HER REAL NAME WAS GRIEF” ~CS Lewis

“Why are you violent?”

“Why do you get angry so easily”

“You’re over reacting!”

Sentences said to me  that left me in a spiral? What do you mean? 

Now I understand. 

All the shouting, all the chaos I caused was simply a cry for help. Constantly getting into arguments, finding reasons to fight and raise my voice was all simply a form of sorrow. 

The real question that my persona had was, “ Can’t you see?  Can’t you see how much I’m hurting? Can’t you see the pain echoing through my voice?”

Someone said we raise our voice because we are not being understood. Sometimes it’s not the subject matter being argued that one wants their POV understood. Sometimes the problem is not the actual problem.

Having gone through this, it becomes easier to see it in others. Seeing them fighting  over no particular cause. Seeing them angry over no particular circumstance. Seeing them over react over very minor inconveniences. The truth is, knowing they are struggling inside will not make the situation better since we cannot save those who don’t want to be saved.

The same manifests in different ways. Some people, to hide their grief become overly social. Over compensating by trying to be transparent without being vulnerable.It becomes impossible to stay alone.

 Others try to  become hermits and it  becomes extremely hard to be around people. It doesn’t have to be social anxiety either but can still be included. 

Anyways people are different and this manifests differently in different people. The only thing you need to ask yourself is why do you do what you do. What is the root cause of anything you do. Why did that subject upset you as much as it did. Is it really about that subject? Is it really about that person?

Living for God has been such a blessing. God will not let you live like a broken man even though you came to him as one.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”

2 Corinthians 5:17 NIV

Come as you are but trust me you will not stay as you are.

It will not be your doing, you will not want to face it but you will not face it alone. 

I’ve had such a unique experience that it would be a crime not to talk about.

God started unpacking my baggage one by one. 

For example:

When you decide to live for God, you get conscious of sin. So when a set of circumstances that would typically  make me rampage occur, I became more aware of the emotion.  Like why do I want to punch this person in the face? We are called to love people and have self control, so doing what I wanted to do is sin which I can’t do because of my relationship with Christ. It became a dilemma because I still had the negative emotion in me yet I couldn’t get rid of it as I normally would have. That moment is where the refining occurs. Where I’m fully broken as I can’t get rid of it  because I don’t know how. In that moment is also where God was strongest and closest. 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”

2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

As I allowed him to work in me, things from the past began surfacing. Things that I now understand were purely unfair.Things that I waited on others to validate my point of sorrow.

Things that I wasn’t sure why everyone was okay with.Things that I didn’t want to be strong about but just had to. 

And finally God validated my pain and allowed me to validate it myself. 

He allowed me to accept how things happened and to accept that they were poorly and unfairly done. He allowed me to forgive myself at how I reacted when I so desperately needed others to see my struggle without having to spell it out. 

He finally allowed me to grieve. To grieve the unjust things that happened. To grieve the losses of acquaintances. To grieve the relationships that ended. To grieve the people who should have stood up for me. To grieve the lifestyle I thought I wanted. To grieve the person I was labelled and thought I was. 

The most beautiful thing about grieving in Christ is you finally have freedom from it. And a peace even in grief , that transcends all understanding rests on you.

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:7 NIV

My point is, the Christian journey is not to leave you as you are. You will be better. You will be refined. It’s the hardest yet the most fulfilling.

“He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver; he will purify the Levites and refine them like gold and silver. Then the Lord will have men who will bring offerings in righteousness,”

Malachi 3:3 NIV

We don’t have to live in any sort of bondage. We don’t have to be overpowered by any sort of emotion. A relationship with God is the transformation we all so greatly need.You don’t have to be in control of all of that, you just have to let God in. He will direct your steps. He knows you and what you need. He knows you better than you know yourself.

Let go and let God.

Stay blessed.